Recently I have been going through all my drawers in my room and my cute little chest that have my most personal items. Cards from family, notes from my friends, letters from church council and love letters from men that have been in my life. Reading through these brought up so many emotions... love, happiness, compassion, anger, joy, and sadness. I then asked myself why am I keeping so many things from my ex boyfriends that make me cry?!
I started saving cards when I was 12 years old. I saw my aunt do it, and thought what a brilliant idea! I can look at these for forever and they will bring back so many memories. I can remember loved ones hand writing, their voices and the bond we shared. But something I never expected to remember was the heartbreak from loss.
1. When I was 15 I met a boy that changed my world. He made me laugh, made me come out of my shell, made me feel something that I never had. He made me feel what being in love felt like... and I loved him. We laughed, we cried, we loved so hard that it exhausted us to the point that we no longer knew how to love each other. Now that I am older I understand that once there is that amount of love between two people there is nothing that we can do but let it be... We cant keep building it, we cant keep trying new things to make us closer. We are where we need to be, and that is the simplicity of love.
2. Two years after that I met another boy who stole my heart again, but it was soon returned to me crumbled in pieces. This boy was everything I wanted... He had faith, morals, goals, loved my family, brought me flowers, cards, gave me love letters, and made sure that I knew I was the love in his life. We ended our relationship because I had just started college and was working. I barely had anytime, not only that I had a very jealous green monster whispering in my ear not to be with this perfect man. This jealous green monster was (no longer is) my best friend. Once I realized I was in love with him and that I wanted to be his princess together for eternity in our gold castle... he was gone; to another princess in another kingdom far away.
3. A year and a half later I met a MAN that made me believe that I may be able to love again. On our first date we clicked! It was like fireworks in a museum full of stars and elephants and sunflowers and your favorite song playing! (Imagine it.... yes that amazing). It was a blind date, and before he was even at my door I knew he was a special person, I could feel it through my whole body. We loved hard and fast. We shared moments I'll never forget. He showed me what a family outside of my immediate family was. His house, referencing to me as mom with our dogs, his family being so close to me. Motorcycle rides through the canyon, sharing parts of my life that I had never shared with anyone. In the viewers eye our relationship was great. But underneath the final print are always mistakes. We had made plenty and his last was cheating on me. At the end of this chapter of my life I remember screaming up to heaven, " WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THIS!" My answer soon came.
In life we have so many events that make us who we are. I have found that I am a person that holds on to the happy moments... but also the sad. Why? Because I believe that in every hurt, every tear, every rejection, every moment that makes our stomach turn we haven't fully learned until we can look at that moment and feel peace. We are not the strongest person that we can be till we can look at a moment and no longer feel pain. I don't think that we are fully over an event till we can accept it and feel love in our hearts. So finally to the question of why did I keep these silly letters and cards from my ex's. Well.. I had lessons to learn.
1. Love is supposed to be simple. We shouldn't have to work on loving someone. It should come easy... if it doesn't, It's not meant to be.
2. Never let someone who isn't in your relationship control it. You have the reigns and you control how you feel. You dont need others approval.. all you need is YOUR approval.
3. Listen to your inner being... the one who gives you the feelings as if something is wrong. Listen to yourself, don't ignore your natural knowing; because in the end you only end up hurting yourself.
4. When sparks fly, and you want to drive 100 MPH into candy land with him... DRIVE! Don't stop! Because those sparks are only given to us so often. Love hard, deep, be free with your words and expressions of love towards him. Don't let fear get in the way!!
Loss always brings lessons. People don't just come into your life to leave it and hurt you. They come in it to teach us something (hopefully for things or actions we will never make again) , and make us stronger. It sucks but we all go through it. We lose, we regret, we accept, we learn, we become stronger, and we move on. Most would say its "natures way or that's how life is". I disagree. Life isn't about loss,life is about receiving. In loss we lose... and by living we receive. Receive the lessons, receive the love, receive the peace and move on with living your life. I need a reminder of this all the time. At first its hard but everyday it gets easier and easier. Receive the life given to you.. accept the lose and know that there is a much bigger plan out there for us than we will ever know. He will come, and when he does.. remember drive 100MPH!
XoXo
Kenzie
