Recently I've been having writers block, I haven't been sure what to write. I thought about writing about dark times that I've had and the struggles that I have been experiencing lately. With the hopes that anyone who reads this will know that they can get through whatever they are going through. But that's not what I wanted to share just yet. I thought, what will ignite my passion and is something that I could write about for hours... then The Paper Kits spoke to me "Love we go down, we go down, we can love, we can love" It was clear to me... write about love.
This year has really been a great year so far. Ive been surrounded by individuals that love me and appreciate the person I am. I have gained incredible friendships, taught amazing students, have wonderful conversations with strangers and learned to be a woman who smiles and isn't afraid to be herself. I think its truly amazing when we can chose to love through the hardest times. When we can face the mirror and chose to love those around us. How much easier is life when we lead with love instead of anger, fear, negativity, or hatefulness!
I used to be very timid. I have always received inappropriate attention. Cat calling, rumors, being called unkind words, challenged when I just wanted to be accepted, and those instances made me look down a lot- literally put my head down- I still notice to this day that I don't always hold my head high. I used walk into a room of people or the grocery store and hold my head low; just hoping I wouldn't be noticed... because if I was noticed all the horrible things about me would be discovered.
I didn't want people to notice me.... I have lived a life fearful that I would be seen and until recently I discovered what I was doing to my soul. I would always wear black, hair up in a bun, nothing to draw anyones eyes to me. In my head " If I wore enough black, I wouldn't stick out like that bright pink shirt that girl was wearing, and that everyone was staring at. But, one day I woke up and my soul couldn't take it anymore. She couldnt stand being buried, neglected, and not being seen.
One day I was getting ready for work and as I looked in my mirror I saw myself, dressed in all black, simple makeup, hair in a bun.... I then heard in my head "Why are you still hiding?"... As I drove to work I really reflected on what the voice inside my head meant. "Why are you still hiding?" What does that even mean? After class that night I realized that I had to start loving myself. I had NO self love. I HAD HIDDEN MYSELF FOR SO LONG THAT I COULDNT SEE MYSELF FOR THE WOMAN I WAS!
Ive always struggled with my weight. Its defined me for the longest time, and its been my biggest defeat. I was always told that "black thins you out"; so with an unhealthy thought about myself, thats all I ever wanted to wear. I soon noticed that I wasn't visible in it... Ive been bullied by my weight- from people I used to know and from people I've loved the most-, but mostly myself. Ive wanted to hide my body for so long that I hid the essence of McKenzie. I hid her spirit, her passion, her charisma, her laugh, her smile, her eyes, her deserved opinions, and her voice...
I was the girl with such a "beautiful face" but when a guy saw my body... I never herd from him again. I was the "Oh- she's just my friend" But after everyone was gone I was deserving of attention. I was the exception to the rule till friends found out- then I was the hidden girl, then I was the nothing girl. And thats OK- as hurtful as those experiences were... they made me the woman I am today. With a healthy amazing body, thank you for not letting me fall for you.
I am a romance movie BUFF! I LOVE, LOVE! I love the vulnerability of love. I love the innocence of love. I love the way your heart releases when you hug someone you care for. I love the feeling of my body relaxing in the arms of someone who I know loves me. I love being trusted in someones aura to receive their love and to give them mine. I love being someones listening ear to their hearts deepest thoughts. I love the glance before a kiss is exchanged. I love feeling a mans heartbeat on my hand as kiss him. I love the silent exchange of a thought as my lips part and I look into a mans eyes I trusted to exchange one of my truest gifts...
Wow... that was an unexpected rant..
Back to the point! The strong female leads in my favorite movies never hide themselves. In general if you think of a woman you admire, or a character who drives your soul she is colorful, passionate, has a different vibration, and gives her love to what really drives her.
One day I woke up and my soul told me I could no longer hide her. It was time to set her free and that If I put my faith in her... everything would be okay. I would be sounded by unconditional love, extraordinary experiences, passion that expelled from my heart and a love for myself that would take over my whole body, mind and soul.
Since the day that I let fear walk away I have been given an unconditional amount of love. I have had extraordinary experiences. I have felt warmth from my heart fill the room as I've talked about my goals, passions, and loves. I have been BLESSED with the most AMAZING new friends. I have been blessed with people who feed my soul and I have been able to recognize individuals who have wanted permission to feed my soul! I have learned to smile without fear. I have learned that everyone deserve to hear my laugh and see my smile.
Through this life changing, life altering, emotion filled, realization; I have truly come to love McKenzie. I have recognized the place I have in my loved ones hearts. I have come to love her, by loving others more than I have loved myself.
I think we need to realize that loving ourselves is just the start to our purpose... Loving others with our whole heart is really where our connection starts. Asking ourselves "How can I show this person love today?", "How can I have a conversation filled with love?". I have experienced myself diving in and loving those around me; and in return loving myself as they love me. Through my devotion to loving others, I have come to see myself in a light that I never saw before and honestly see those new found appreciations.
Love is a powerful thing; and I don't have it all figured out yet. But I do know that we deserve to live a life out of hiding. I know that we deserve to live a life full of laughter, passion, and being able to tell those around us, " I appreciate the woman/man you are because of your strength. I admire how you never give up and the example you are to me" "I hope you know that I love the way you make me smile.", "I truly admire the person you are and what you mean to me", "I love having the privilege of showing you what you mean to me"
I used to be hide... and now I don't. I see myself as the woman others want to be around. I see myself as a light... and when I envision myself, I see my smile. I see my eyes smiling back at you. I see my warm embrace inviting you in, and I see myself loving you. I see that because of my ability to love myself; I have so much more room to love you. To value you. To care for you. To accept you. To encourage you. To admire you. To serve you. To look at you... and feel the warmth of my heart surround you.
There is only so much hiding we can do before we need to be set free...
The promise is: You will be given an unconditional amount of love. You will have extraordinary experiences that shake your core. You will fill the warmth of your heart expand as you think upon your passions and dreams. You will fill your heart expand to unknown depths as you act in those passions... and you will find yourself.
If you haven't found the right map to a happier life, or fulfilling things toupee always wanted to do... I encourage you to choose to love others. Unconditionally. In return The Promise will always stay true.
So let yourself go... Be free.
To: Lisa, Judy, Kathy, Stephanie, Gracie, Cassidy, Aislin, Amie, Chantele, Aleca, Sara, Harmony, Tara, Ron, Sean, Brent, Greg, DaleAnne, My Father in Heaven... Thank you for loving me to a capacity that I was able to finally see myself.
To My Future Love: I'm ready for ya.
